Stacked Responses

Dear X,
You and I aren't friends. We started off that way...in Maine, I made sure of it...you and I were friends for a long, long time before we got together. That's one of my own personal rules...start with a foundation in friendship, if something doesn't go right, we can always retreat back to the foundation...and still have something we both respect and cherish...it is the last bit of evidence there is of something that was good .

I tried to make sure we had a friendship so we'd always have something to fall back on and work forward again. You seemed so against me having friendships with others who had been near and dear to me...for fear of me starting something again...something I knew wouldn't work. What would yours think of you if they read your messages to me over the last several months? Would it put you in a better place? Would it make your bond stronger or would it strain your situation? You have to remember...you never wanted me to have any dangling friendships. How can it somehow be "OK" now...or are you just doing it as a prescription for your guilt?

You don't and haven't treated me as a friend for a long long time. You have continually, intentionally cause me pain...and friends don't cause each other pain...discomfort in honesty and truth maybe, but ongoing pain, NO.

Very few people know how to find your myspace profile unless you are on mine, let along prominently displayed as #1. I don't have to listen to, hear about, or answer ANY questions about where you've been, where you are, where you're going, what you've been doing, what you are doing, what it looks like you might be doing, or anything. It's like a TV remote I choose not to use. It's best lost in the cushions so I'm not tempted to see the SHIT that's happening. I don't have to speculate or hear the news like an obtrusive, loud TV station in the background spewing shit at my day trying to run it into the ground.

You didn't send your cards out of love, or caring, or understanding. You sent your cards out of genuine concern...concern for what other people might think of your actions. You can drop a note to her if you like. Of all the family I have, she was the only one that sent me a card too. Nobody else in my family does that sort of thing. For your conscience, life is just fine. I am surrounded by people that love me, care and support me.

You may never forget me...that's fine if that's the therapy that helps you get to a better place in your mind. It is no consolation to me as I have no concern for being missed or forgotten. I've done the best I could with what I had to work with...I can sleep at night knowing that.

If you need to tell me you wouldn't do anything to hurt me to feel better about yourself then do it. I know it's not true. As you said last summer...there's never a time when both of us would have agreed to what had happened...and there was never a best time. It is your actions, your behavior, it isn't like you just decided we weren't going to work out...it was we aren't going to work out and let me show you what will work for me. Your actions were pretty drastic and far reaching for feeling "a little betrayed". You didn't ask any questions. You made your point that I was wrong. Fine. Done and done.

I hoped it wouldn't have turned out this way either. But the feeling I get is probably MUCH different than the way you feel. And for your post-script, I came, and kept coming, and kept trying...but it NEVER changed a thing.

I still find myself blaming you for most of our trouble...even more so because you were the one that took more than action...you took corrective action. You made me feel like the problem...the parasite, the disease, the illness, the injury...the broken bad thing that needed removed and replaced with a new technology. In a word, 'disposable'.

I'm not far off, but obviously I'm still not quite over everything that happened. You were a tremendous part of my life. Everything happens for a reason, or some bullshit. Hope is like doubt...and I doubt that very much. I had a very near and dear friend tell me only a few nights ago, "I'm thankful my grandparents died in that car accident in the snowstorm years ago." He said, "If they hadn't died, I wouldn't have you in my life...you wouldn't have gone to Maine, and you wouldn't be in Denver." I had trouble with it at first so I asked him to "work it backwards for me."

He said, "If my grandparents hadn't died that night in the snowstorm, I would have skipped college...and if I had skipped college, I wouldn't have transferred and met you. If I hadn't met you, you and I wouldn't have worked together, after you left, you wouldn't have moved to Maine, I wouldn't have gone to Denver, and none of our lives as we know it would exist right now." I said, "That's an interesting perspective. As morbid as it might sound, I'm thankful your grandparents died in that car accident too, because I'm eternally grateful I have you in my life."

I am a positive, upbeat person with a love for life and all it brings. One day I will be able to be happy for being able to share what I've shared with you. One day I will be thankful for this part of my life. One day I will be happy for the things I've endured. One day I'll look back and be able to see how much stronger and better of a person this whole thing has made me. I look forward to that day. Between now and then, all I can do is try to prevent it from taking any longer than necessary or causing me any more pain...and at the same time NOT taking any baggage along into another relationship...much as I was careful not to do with you.

As far as our 2500+/- memories go...they are yours...not mine. That was the one thing I asked of you...was to share the good times we had so my mind might be reminded from time to time that we did have some good between us. You've made it a point to keep them to yourself...but more importantly, you've made it a point to keep them away from me. I may never understand why you feel that way...those memories will only fade and disappear so much more quickly in one set of hands instead of 2. There is nobody else in this world they are more important to. I'm left with your scathing accusatory emails...which, I suppose, may help me better cope with why we ended up the way we did...instead of false images of love and happiness.

Just because you were crying, doesn't mean you still deeply care for me...it means is you still feel a weighted guilty conscience for what happened and how. What would he think if he knew you were crying over me? You feel bad for the way things turned out...you don't like the actions you felt you needed to take in order to protect yourself from me. You feel bad like you feel when you catch a mouse in a mousetrap. You'd just as soon have somebody else handle it. I was always your adversary, your opponent. We were never on the same team. You finally found somebody that agreed with your way of thinking...that I was the bad guy for making you move to Colorado and sacrifice everything. You took the opportunity.

Let me tell you something. I understand how you felt, I understand how you feel. I know who you are...deep down, insecure little girl. Everything happens for a reason, baby. Life is good and it's only going to get better. You are in a much better place than you have EVER been...it's OK...you're still loved by your family...you have so many people that still care for you.

Scorpion wants to cross a river, but he can't swim. Goes to the frog, who can, and asks for a ride. Frog says, "If I give you a ride on my back, you'll go and sting me." Scorpion replies, "It would not be in my interest to sting you since as I'll be on your back we both would drown." Frog thinks about this logic for a while and accepts the deal. Takes the scorpion on his back. Braves the waters. Halfway over feels a burning spear in his side and realizes the scorpion has stung him after all. And as they both sink beneath the waves the frog cries out, "Why did you sting me, Scorpion, for now we both will drown?" Scorpion replies, "I can't help it, it's in my nature."

We wouldn't have survived if we had tried to brave the waters together. It's not in your nature.