One of the most valuable lessons I've feel I learned came from my youth. My Jr. High principal taught each grade and each individual to lead by example. We were taught that in the presence of others, we are always being watched. Not in a surveillance kind of way as much as in a leadership kind of way. We are telling other people what behavior is OK and what is not OK. Your behavior is telling everybody around you what is acceptable to you, and what is not acceptable to you. We might get an idea of what someone's boundaries might be based on an observation of an interaction between them and someone else. We may learn first hand in an interaction in which we participate.
Perception is reality. People are always watching, if not the activity itself, when they see the results. What people percieve to be true, in fact, is true until a new perception based on new information is accepted, not just observed. For example, if you saw a man folding a wad of cash in his hands and stuffing it into his shirt while walking away from a woman in a parking lot screaming at him and hitting him in the back, you might be inclined to think he just stole a bunch of money from her and is making his get-away.
Based on this example, you might be right. However, if you then overheard her friend yell they weren't going to buy drugs with the money, you might think there isn't a robbery taking place. Then, if you saw the man get back into his car with 2 toddlers and a baby in a carseat, you might begin to think this man was trying to be the better person and look out for his family over the destructive behavior of these people.
If you had stopped taking in information at the observance of the woman screaming and the man folding cash into his pocket to call for help, you might have just caused the destruction of a home...or worse, the death of a good person. However, upon taking in more information before responding, you might have been able to discern there was no real harm being done, and in fact, by being patient there was some good was coming of the situation...as bothersome as it might have been at that moment in time.
We are always setting an example whether we know it or not. Since I learned this concept at a reasonably impressionable age, it has stuck with me well into my adult years. I try, unconsciously mostly, to be a good person by example...I'll even go so far as to allow others to use me as an example, good, bad, or indifferent. Yes, I volunteer for awkward situations. If I'm out of place, I'll even allow others to hold me out as something not-to-do or not-to-be. I was the lifeguard who volunteered to swim with the fat guy, nay, obese, to demostrate a rescue maneuver. I'm the kind person who stops and asks for directions. I'll stop to help a stranded motorist just to demonstrate how 99%+ of the people out there are really good people and pose no threat or risk to anyone's well-being. Yes, I've even been accused of stopping my shopping to help a little old lady find the soup isle even if it made me late for an appointment. Most people are just another version of you. If you think that's scary, check yourself. You're not in the 99%.
I've seen a pattern in my life lately. It has to do with the way I've found people dealing with me. I'm still trying to figure it out so ideas are welcome. By default, I tend to point the finger at me. Emotions, I've learned, are extremely motivating. There could be something in my behavior, something in the way I make people feel that has caused people to behave the way they do towards me.
I notice a general pattern in the way people generally act around me. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why people behaved differently around me than they did with my friends and other people. I read somewhere late last year about a guy who apparently noticed similar responses/reactions in the people around him. He did an informal experiment and learned it was partly on account of his size. Now I don't remember the exact numbers he used, but it went something like this:
Approachable less than 210 lbs
Tentative 215-225 lbs.
Unapproachable 225 lbs.+
Now remember, this is general and not situation specific, especially as it applies to me. When this guy weighed less than 210, he was approachable and everybody treated him well. When he was between 215 and 225, he noticed some people treated him differently, while in others there was no noticeable difference. Above 225, he noticed quite a bit of difference in the way people acted around him. People actually treated him like he was unapproachable...even downright scary at times. Now remember, this is the same guy, with the same personality, character, outlook, disposition, etc. The only thing that was different was his size.
This observation is one I can relate to, and seems to be (at least) partly attributable to my current situation. I spend an awful lot of time around those with which I work. These folks help give me a basis from which my observations come. One of the guys in the office found out how much I really weighed (at one time) and that number became my nickname to him. Let's just say it was closer to 300 than 200, but closer to 250, than 300.
I'm back up to that size where, even people who already know me, behave a little differently. My best good friends don't ever change how the behave around me. People who are acquainted with me have a noticable difference in their behavior. And those who only know I exist act as if I'm unapproachable. My close friends...those very near and dear to me...those who know me do not change their behavior at all. Now I am well aware there are other mitigating factors in all of this, but the observation is, again, general in nature (have I mentioned 'general' enough?) Same guy, same personality, same outlook, same character, etc. and people act differently.
Perception is reality. People are always watching, if not the activity itself, when they see the results. What people percieve to be true, in fact, is true until a new perception based on new information is accepted, not just observed. For example, if you saw a man folding a wad of cash in his hands and stuffing it into his shirt while walking away from a woman in a parking lot screaming at him and hitting him in the back, you might be inclined to think he just stole a bunch of money from her and is making his get-away.
Based on this example, you might be right. However, if you then overheard her friend yell they weren't going to buy drugs with the money, you might think there isn't a robbery taking place. Then, if you saw the man get back into his car with 2 toddlers and a baby in a carseat, you might begin to think this man was trying to be the better person and look out for his family over the destructive behavior of these people.
If you had stopped taking in information at the observance of the woman screaming and the man folding cash into his pocket to call for help, you might have just caused the destruction of a home...or worse, the death of a good person. However, upon taking in more information before responding, you might have been able to discern there was no real harm being done, and in fact, by being patient there was some good was coming of the situation...as bothersome as it might have been at that moment in time.
We are always setting an example whether we know it or not. Since I learned this concept at a reasonably impressionable age, it has stuck with me well into my adult years. I try, unconsciously mostly, to be a good person by example...I'll even go so far as to allow others to use me as an example, good, bad, or indifferent. Yes, I volunteer for awkward situations. If I'm out of place, I'll even allow others to hold me out as something not-to-do or not-to-be. I was the lifeguard who volunteered to swim with the fat guy, nay, obese, to demostrate a rescue maneuver. I'm the kind person who stops and asks for directions. I'll stop to help a stranded motorist just to demonstrate how 99%+ of the people out there are really good people and pose no threat or risk to anyone's well-being. Yes, I've even been accused of stopping my shopping to help a little old lady find the soup isle even if it made me late for an appointment. Most people are just another version of you. If you think that's scary, check yourself. You're not in the 99%.
I've seen a pattern in my life lately. It has to do with the way I've found people dealing with me. I'm still trying to figure it out so ideas are welcome. By default, I tend to point the finger at me. Emotions, I've learned, are extremely motivating. There could be something in my behavior, something in the way I make people feel that has caused people to behave the way they do towards me.
I notice a general pattern in the way people generally act around me. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why people behaved differently around me than they did with my friends and other people. I read somewhere late last year about a guy who apparently noticed similar responses/reactions in the people around him. He did an informal experiment and learned it was partly on account of his size. Now I don't remember the exact numbers he used, but it went something like this:
Approachable less than 210 lbs
Tentative 215-225 lbs.
Unapproachable 225 lbs.+
Now remember, this is general and not situation specific, especially as it applies to me. When this guy weighed less than 210, he was approachable and everybody treated him well. When he was between 215 and 225, he noticed some people treated him differently, while in others there was no noticeable difference. Above 225, he noticed quite a bit of difference in the way people acted around him. People actually treated him like he was unapproachable...even downright scary at times. Now remember, this is the same guy, with the same personality, character, outlook, disposition, etc. The only thing that was different was his size.
This observation is one I can relate to, and seems to be (at least) partly attributable to my current situation. I spend an awful lot of time around those with which I work. These folks help give me a basis from which my observations come. One of the guys in the office found out how much I really weighed (at one time) and that number became my nickname to him. Let's just say it was closer to 300 than 200, but closer to 250, than 300.
I'm back up to that size where, even people who already know me, behave a little differently. My best good friends don't ever change how the behave around me. People who are acquainted with me have a noticable difference in their behavior. And those who only know I exist act as if I'm unapproachable. My close friends...those very near and dear to me...those who know me do not change their behavior at all. Now I am well aware there are other mitigating factors in all of this, but the observation is, again, general in nature (have I mentioned 'general' enough?) Same guy, same personality, same outlook, same character, etc. and people act differently.
Before I ever really thought about it, or noticed it, I unconsciously created a coping mechanism. Be funny, laugh, smile a lot, even behave downright goofy. I projected fun character...what was hopefully the opposite of scary. It worked do a degree, but extremely engaging I had to be.
Maybe one of the characteristics that tends to put people off about me is my protective nature. I am a first born. More so, in our branch of the family tree, I am the oldest as well. There isn't a child, cousin, or grandchild older than I in our side of the tree. My nature is that of taking care of, watching out for, defending and even protecting, those that are close to me. Ingrained in me is taking care of my nearest and dearest. A Tyrannosaurus Rex better sharpen his everything before it thinks of going after one of mine. :-) I had to set an example for a lot of siblings and cousins.
Now lately it seems a few people have found me disagreeable. This is OK. As humans its only natural to have differences in opinion from time to time. In one situation, someone said they'd correct several things wrong, haven't done any of them, nor made a noticeable effort to. In another situation, someone said they'd do one thing, and instead did something way different. Finally, I've done something disagreeable to someone, and they politely hinted to me to make things right.
Now you might think, 'disagreeable' might be the commonality. In a sense, it is. However, in each of these situations it is the process of rectification (SCRABBLE word) in which I find curious. In each of these situations, the "other party" decided to make an announcement as to their "position" on the topic that had never included anyone else. Nobody else in the announcement was included in the original context. Stated differently, their "response" included others not originally part of the interaction. These folks included several others in their "communication" who were previously unaware of anything. The disagreement was between them and I.
Now I have to interject and say, "I don't believe this is a weight issue."
This is a socially defensive move. In each of these situations, independent and unrelated to each other, each is a taking a socially defensive position. When there is only limited information for the new members of a new "announcement", it would appear the party with which the original disagreement would be trying to ostracize the intrusive one...from a reactionary standpoint. What has happened is I've apparently frightened these people, on some level, and triggered their tribal/genetic/self-preservation response in preemptively alerting the masses to a potential rift in socially acceptable behavior. Its preparation for tribal division, or possibly rejection. It's a preemptive taking-sides move. They have percieved me as a threat to something, on some level, and feel the need to take a publicized stance and gather the masses for a show of social strength. Tact and diplomacy be damned.
In the past 4 weeks, I've gained 35 lbs. which puts me well over the "uncomfortable" boundary.
I find it interesting. I have been percieved as a threat to no less than 3 different people (that I am aware of) who have attempted to take a collectively, yet unrelated, defensive position against me. All this in less than 2 week's time!
In each of the situations, I responded differently. In one, I politely and publicly complied. This has gotten me nowhere, if anything, a tribal/social step or two backwards. As a leader, this was a terrible move. It was a cowardly display of acceptance of unnacceptable behavior. I violated my own boundaries. This is a bad example on my part. In fact I will change it in effort to set a better one. Act spineless, get walked on. I've found this is only the case when dealing with someone who has a hierarchical mindset, a caste system of society, an inferiority complex. In the presence of a leader, the entire interaction goes differently.
In another, upon their announcement, I openly and very publicly challenged to all the recipients of the newly public statement. I recieved several very supportive and encouraging words. Even more, some inquired as to what "else" had happened they didn't know about and made comments and gestures as to lending their support and understanding. Act as a leader, get treated as a leader. Even in the presence of a status figure.
The jury is still out on the last one. I made amends, through both words and actions, which I believe I did to the best of my (mental) ability...as limited as it might be.
From what I've learned, it seems leading by example has always, and still is, a better way to go.
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