Our first full day of BBW (Bad Boys Week) consisted of renting bikes, locating a trail, warming up, picking a day to do the big 7 Summits Trail. I started to get an inkling I might be in over my head when all the fellas started unloading this very specialized gear. Tools, special shoes, special shorts, helmets, extra parts, a bike stand and Butt Butt'r? Wait a second here...Ass Grease? Not just one of the fellas had it, but several did. One of the guys also brought a few videos of some extreme mountain biking...like tricks and jumps.
So we wake up and Mr. Bend decides we need some breakfast. He decides to drive into town in order to scare up some bacon and eggs. The rest of us hang out, some finish inventorying their gear, some text message a few notes, 1 laptop as there was still business being conducted on the trip, and we all tune in occasionally to the extreme biking video being played. We all knew we weren't going to be doing any of that kind of stuff.
After breakfast, it was collectively decided we should go into town, rent some bikes and get a good "warm-up" ride in to get acclimated to the climate and the new gear. Sounds like a good idea to me. We roll into town and 2 of us rent bikes. I did the math and realized there were 5 guys and 6 bikes. One of these numb-nuts already has 2 bikes. What on earth would you need a second bike for? What am I in for here...?
A couple of the guys pick out a starting point and a few different ideas on where to go for an easy ride. We take the vehicle back to the condo and get geared up. It takes me about 5 minutes before I have on my shorts, shirt, shoes and am ready to roll. The rest of the fellas somehow take 30-45 minutes filling water jugs, tuning up their bikes, and constantly rearranging things in their packs. What on earth could be taking so long to get ready for a warm-up ride? I finally sit down and just start reading my book until everybody seemingly finds their collective asses with both hands.
We all roll out the condo, down the hill and we hit a trail almost immediately. Sweet! I've always told these guys I'm good at the downhills. In fact, I'm gravity advantaged over all of them. About 2 kilometers in it all started to change, and got progressively worse. At the end of our starter trail we found ourselves on a jeep road. It's called a jeep road because 4x4 vehicles are about the only kind that could possibly climb this thing...oh, and the 4 other guys I'm with of course. I start walking my bike almost immediately, but have comfort in "what goes up, must come down" and I'd be back on top on the way back down. Halfway up my hike I pass 3 ladies on their way down. They just kind of give me the "there's the fat kid bringing up the rear" look. Whatever.
So we get to the top of this jeep road and it turns into what is apparently called 'single track' mountain bike trail. Only 1 bike at a time can be in one place, no passing. We're riding over fallen trees, brush, rocks, boulders...you name it, if it can be found in the forest, we rode over it. It seemed like we just kept going up and up and up forever. The topo map we had used 100m increments. Those are huge increments when you're on foot. Lots of things can change and you'll never cross a topo line. The navigator assures us he knows where he's going and can find our way around these different trails and trail intersections.
OK, so I pretty much rode about 10 minutes of the first hour. This is ridiculous. In some spots it was flat enough I could mount my bike and begin to ride, but about 3 pedals into it I found another obstacle that was ready, willing, and able to eject me from my mount. When I say rocks, I don't mean gravel. There wasn't a rock out there smaller than a softball. Many were the size of a basket ball, and some even the size of a suburban. Well, it's so fricking steep anyway I'd be walking if there weren't so many boulders, obstacles, and super twisty turns anyway.
The trail seems to level off a bit and it starts to work it's way downward. This is where I can mount up, take off, and keep up with the rest of the guys. Wow was I wrong. I just hiked my bike up umpteen thousand miles only to find out I get to hike back down with it. This is unbelievably ridiculous! Easy warm-up ride? I can't even do these trails in super low granny gear!!! At one of the crossroads I notice a sign that had a marking on it similar to that of a skiing mountain. It has black diamonds on every arrow. These guys took me down a black diamond trail for the easy warm-up ride. I haven't been on a bike ride since last year's BBW and it was all super non-technical so I could actually ride the bike after I was done pushing it to the top of a hill.
Unbelievable! This easy ride is beginning to get painful. The bike I was riding has both front and rear shocks, so it's super cushy they tell me. Well, the seat is hard plastic and is doing my backside no good. The seat is so small its even uncomfortable to sit on even if I'm not going anywhere. Now I'm trying to mount this bike and get in a few hundred meters whenever I can. It's extremely difficult to keep my balance, keep the bike in the right gear, and keep my feet on the pedals as I bounce all over the place. Half the time I pedal I'm just trying to keep my feet on the pedals, or rearrange them to a comfortable position because they almost bounced off rolling over that last who knows what.
The seat is pounding my taint like a spring action sledge hammer. I raise my ass off it and lean back while going downhills to keep from rolling the entire contraption over forward. When I do this the seat pounds me in the back of the legs. No wonder all these guys have this Butt Butt'r laying around. This probably feels the same as getting raped in prison. My taint and backs of my legs are getting so tender and sore. The palms of my hands are beginning to get bruised and it even feels like a blister is coming on...just trying to tolerate this 4 hour ass pounding.
We saw some beautiful scenery, at least that's what they tell me. At one point I became so exhausted I could hardly control my motor skills. I was being as slow and calculated as I could possibly be. I learned, the hard way of course, that this can actually work to my detriment. I rolled off a rock that had about a 6 inch drop to the dirt trail below. Lodged in the dirt immediately below that ledge rock was a smaller rock. My front tire somehow found a way to get stuck on it. My spring loaded super cushy shock absorbing front end groaned and smashed way down to almost bottom out. I began to groan as well as I realized the bike was going no further, but I still was...up over the top of the handlebars and onto the trail. By the time I hit the ground, I had almost done a complete flip. I landed on the back of my shoulder and just kind of rolled over and laid there. One of the few times I thought I could actually get on and ride, the trail had other plans for me. GRRRR!!
14 miles and 4 and a half hours of this was just about all I could handle. If it were just a hike it would have been less work. I wouldn't have had to haul around the behemoth of a bike. I could have just leisurely hiked around with a nice vodka cranberry filled Camelback and had a grand old time. When we got back to the condo it was all I could do to stay on my feet. I was dehydrated to the point I could taste cotton. I couldn't whistle if my life depended on it. I slammed 4 glasses of water, a glass of OJ, and a glass of recovery electrolyte something or other one of the guys gave me. I got full off of all the fluid I just jammed down my throat. I jumped in the shower and racked out early.
Today was a learning day. Sometimes we learn our lessons the hard way. Sometimes we learn by just jumping right into the fire. This day of instruction for me was like being thrown into the middle of the ocean during a hurricane and learning how to swim. For the skier/snowboarder it was like hauling all your gear up a long long black diamond trail...on foot, and trying to learn how to use the equipment to get back down to the bottom. All the while you were never really able to get your gear on to go back down. It was a challenge, but I managed to survive.
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